MY FOURTEENTH JOURNAL ENTRY
nigerianprince
GOOD EVENING MY FRIEND!

I THINK MY JOB AT RADIOSHACK IS IN PERIL.

I HAVE MENTIONED PREVIOUSLY THAT MY BOSS PEPITA IS AN AVID ANTI-MONARCHIST, AND THEREFORE DOESN’T TAKE KINDLY TO PRINCES. I CAN THINK OF NO OTHER REASON FOR HER TO HATE ME SO. THERE SHOULD BE SOME SORT OF MONARCHY AND NOBILITY ANTI-DEFAMATION LEAGUE.

SHE TOLD ME I GOT ONE MORE CHANCE, IF I WANT TO KEEP MY JOB. I TOLD HER I’D DONE NOTHING WRONG, SO WHY IS SHE COMPLAINING. SHE DISAGREED. YOU BE THE JUDGE, HERE’S WHAT HAPPENED:
 

A CUSTOMER CAME INTO THE STORE. A MIDDLE-AGED WHITE GUY IN A LACOSTE SHIRT. 

”HI,” SAID HE.
”HELLO. MY NAME IS WILLIAM JULIUS OGEDENGBE.”
”I’M LOOKING FOR AN RCA ADAPTER THAT I COULD USE TO --”
”I AM THE SON OF KING ODAYON JULIUS OGEDENGBE OF THE EDO (BENIN) PEOPLE IN NIGERIA. I HAVE A GREAT PROPOSITION FOR YOU.”
”UH.”
”PLEASE LISTEN FOR A MOMENT. MY FATHER THE KING DIED RECENTLY, AND LEFT ME EIGHTY-FIVE AND A HALF MILLION AMERICAN DOLLARS. BUT TO ACCESS THAT MONEY, I NEED TO PAY FOR HIS ROYAL FUNERAL, AND NEED TO RAISE A HUNDRED THOUSAND IN CASH.”
”LISTEN...”
”IF YOU LOAN ME A THOUSAND DOLLARS NOW, I WILL PAY YOU TEN THOUSAND WHEN I GET MY INHERITANCE.”
”LOOK, SON, I’M VERY SORRY ABOUT YOUR FATHER, BUT I JUST CAME HERE TO GET AN ADAPTER TO CONNECT MY IPOD TO MY SOUND SYSTEM.”
”IN THAT CASE IT LOOKS LIKE IT’S YOUR LUCKY DAY, MY GOOD MAN. YOU STAND TO EARN NINE THOUSAND AMERICAN DOLLARS WITH NO RISK TO YOU OR YOUR FAMILY.”
”ARE YOU THREATENING MY FAMILY?”
”CERTAINLY NOT, MY GOOD MAN. I WAS JUST TRYING TO EXPLAIN THAT THIS VENTURE IS ENTIRELY RISK FREE. A SENIOR MEMBER OF THE EDO ROYAL FUNERAL COMMITTEE, MR. ADEBOYE OKIGBO, HAS GUARANTEED THERE IS NO RISK INVOLVED.”
”WILL YOU GET ME MY ADAPTER OR NOT?”
”PLEASE DO NOT SPEAK TO ME IN THAT TONE, MY GOOD MAN.”
”WHO TO FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?”
”I AM THE SON OF KING ODAYON JULIUS OGEDENGBE OF THE EDO (BENIN) PEOPLE IN NIGERIA.” 

AND AT THAT POINT PEPITA PULLED ME ASIDE, AND SOLD THIS MAN HIS ADAPTER. CLEARLY SHE RECOGNIZED THAT THE MAN, LIKE HERSELF, WAS AN ANTI-MONARCHIST.

  

EAGERLY LOOKING FORWARD TO HEARING YOUR FLOWERING THOUGHTS,

WILLIAM JULIUS OGEDENGBE
NIGERIAN PRINCE


MY THIRTEENTH JOURNAL ENTRY
nigerianprince
A GOOD HELLO TO YOU MY FRIENDS AND MY APOLOGIES,

IF I WERE KING OF NIGERIA, AS I SHOULD BE, MR. UMAR FAROUK ABDUL MUTALLAB WOULD NOT HAVE BECOME A WANNABE TERRORIST.

 

PEOPLE SAY TERRORISM IS BRED BY POVERTY, BUT THAT IS SIMPLY NOT TRUE. FOR EXAMPLE, MR. MUTALLAB’S FATHER, MR. UMARU MUTALLAB IS ONE OF THE RICHEST MEN IN ALL OF AFRICA, AND HIS SON WENT TO THE BEST SCHOOLS MONEY CAN BUY.

BASED ON WHERE THEIR FAMILY IS FROM (KATSINA), IT’S REASONABLE TO ASSUME THEY WERE EITHER FROM THE HAUSA PEOPLE OR THE FULA PEOPLE. NOW, IT’S TO THEIR CREDIT THAT THE MUTALLABS ARE NOT DISGUSTING OGONI, BUT STILL, THEY ARE NO EDO (BENIN), I TELL YOU THAT! 

BUT I DIGRESS.

MANY YOUNG NIGERIANS TAKE UP A CAREER IN E-MAIL SCAM, AND WRITE TO WHITE PEOPLE SAYING ”HELLO, MY NAME IS UMAR, MY FATHER IS THE FORMER CHAIRMAN OF THE FIRST BANK OF NIGERIA”, OR ”GOOD DAY TO YOU MY FRIEND, I AM THE SON OF THE FORMER MINISTER OF ECONOMY IN NIGERIA.” 

WHY DIDN’T MR. MUTALLAB DO THIS? HIS FATHER REALLY WAS THE FORMER MINISTER OF ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT IN NIGERIA, AND THE CHAIRMAN OF THE FIRST BANK OF NIGERIA AND CHAIRMAN OF NIGERIA’S FIRST ISLAMIC BANK AND EVEN CEO OF THE UNITED BANK OF AFRICA! MR. MUTALLAB COULD EASILY HAVE MADE A CAREER OUT OF SCAMMING PEOPLE FOR MONEY. 

NOW, IF I WAS THE KING OF NIGERIA, AS I SHOULD BE, OR EVEN A PRESIDENT OR PRIME MINISTER, I NEVER WOULD HAVE MADE UMARU MUTALLAB THE MINISTER OF ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT OR CHAIRMAN OF ANY BANK. ALL THE MINISTERS AND BANKERS WOULD’VE BEEN MY BROTHERS, SONS, UNCLES, COUSINS, BROTHER-IN-LAWS, AND SON-IN-LAWS. I PROBABLY WOULD’VE MADE UMARU MUTALLAB A COUNSELLOR TO ONE OF THE CHAIRMEN, BUT IF HE GAVE US ANY SHIT, I WOULD’VE THROWN HIM IN JAIL OR HAD HIM SHOT. 

AND SO MR. MUTALLAB THE YOUNGER WOULD’VE HAD NO MONEY TO STUDY IN ISLAMIC SCHOOLS IN YEMEN AND TO SUBSEQUENTLY GO TRYING TO BLOW UP PLANES. NO SIRREE, HE WOULD’VE BEEN SITTING IN A WEB CAFE IN KATSINA TOWN, WRITING TO EUROPEANS IN THIS TONE: 

”HELLO MY FRIEND. HOW ARE YOU?

I AM MR. UMAR FAROUK ABDUL MUTALLAB.

MY FATHER ALHAJI UMARU ABDUL MUTALLAB IS THE FORMER ECONOMIC MINISTER AND CHAIRMAN OF THE FIRST BANK OF NIGERIA. SINCE KING WILLIAM JULIUS OGEDENGBE ROSE TO POWER, MY FATHER HAS BEEN IMPRISONED, AND HIS MONEY TAKEN FROM HIM. HOWEVER, HE HAS MANAGED TO STORE US$10,000,000 (TEN MILLIONS) IN AN OVER-SEAS ACCOUNT IN YEMEN.

TO GET HOLD OF THE MONEY, I NEED YOUR HELP. I AM WILLING TO GIVE YOU US$1,000,000 (ONE MILLION) IN GRATITUDE FOR YOUR HELP. I SIMPLY NEED YOU TO PROVIDE MY WITH YOUR BANKING INFORMATION SO THAT THE MONEY CAN BE SAFELY TRANSFERRED TO YOUR ACCOUNT.

YOURS TRULY,

MR. UMAR FAROUK ABDUL MUTALLAB.

PS. I KNOW THERE’S A LOT OF SCAM OUT THERE, BUT I HOPE YOU DON’T THINK THIS IS ONE OF THEM. I FEEL LIKE I CAN TRUST YOU.”

 

AND THAT’S WHY THERE WOULD BE LESS TERRORISM, IF I WERE KING (WHICH I SHOULD BE)! 

YOURS,
WILLIAM JULIUS OGEDENGBE
NIGERIAN PRINCE
 

PS. I HOPE YOU DON’T THINK THIS IS JUST A SCAM!


MY TWELFTH JOURNAL ENTRY
nigerianprince
A GOOD LIFE TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY, MY FRIENDS.

I HAVE NOT WRITTEN IN A WHILE BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN UNFAIRLY HARASSED BY SEVERAL PRIVATE ARMIES AND GOVERNMENTAL AGENCIES. THEY ARE AFTER THE FORTUNES MY FATHER (KING OF THE EDO (BENIN) PEOPLE IN NIGERIA, DECEASED) LEFT ME.

BUT NOW I CAN NOT STAY SILENT ANY LONGER. HISTORY WILL ABSOLVE ME.

I HAD NOT REALIZED THIS BEFORE, BUT MR. JOHAN REUEL RONALD TOLKIEN, A MILLIONAIRE HIMSELF, HAS UNFAIRLY TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF THE STORY OF MY PEOPLE.

MY GRANDFATHER, ODAYON "THORIN" OGADENGBE, THEN KING OF THE EDO (BENIN) PEOPLE OF NIGERIA, WAS FREQUENTLY IN CONTACT WITH MR.TOLKIEN SENDING HIM MANY LETTERS, TELEGRAMS AND CARRIER PIGEON MESSAGES ASKING FOR HIS FINANCIAL HELP IN PROFITABLE BUSINESS PLANS.

NOW I LEARN THAT MR.TOLKIEN TOOK THE PERSONALITY AND IDEAS OF MY GRANDFATHER, SHOWN TO HIM IN GOOD WILL, AND WROTE A BOOK ABOUT IT.  IT IS CALLED "THE HOBBIT." MR.TOLKIEN HIMSELF IS PRESENTED AS THE HOBBIT, WHILE MY GRANDFATHER KING ODAYON OGADENGBE IS A DWARF CALLED THORIN OAKENSHIELD. TO CALL A PROUD EDO (BENIN) MAN A DWARF IS INCREDIBLY RACIST. AND APPARENTLY "OGADENGBE" SOUNDS LIKE "OAKENSHIELD" TO MR.TOLKIEN.

THE SIMILARITIES BETWEEN MY GRANDFATHER AND THE CHARACTER THORIN ARE TOO NUMEROUS TO LIST, BUT FORTUNATELY A PERSON NOT OF MY ACQUAINTANCE HAS CHOSEN TO PUBLISH THE ORIGINAL LETTER FROM MY GRANDFATHER, HIS MAJESTY KING ODAYON "THORIN" OGADENGBE.

TAKE A LOOK YOURSELF:
 

Dear MR BAGGINS, Fellow Conspirator,

I am Thorin Oakenshield, descendant of Thrain the Old and grandson of Thror who was King under the Mountain. I am writing you to discuss our plans, our ways, means, policy and devices for rescuing our treasure from the dragon Smaug. [AND SO ON AND SO ON...]

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM THE DESCENDANTS OF MR.TOLKIEN, PARTICULARLY MR.CHRISTOPHER TOLKIEN, WHO HAS MADE FURTHER MILLIONS OF DOLLARS ABUSING THE GOOD NAME OF MY GRANDFATHER, AND THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY WHOSE RIGHTFUL OWNER THROUGH INHERITANCE I AM. A SUM OF $10'000'000 WOULD BE APPROPRIATE FOR THIS CRIME TO BE PAID BY MR.CHRISTOPHER TOLKIEN TO ME.


MAY YOUR WEALTH FLOW IN FOUNTAINS.

YOURS,
WILLIAM JULIUS OGEDENGBE
NIGERIAN PRINCE

MY ELEVENTH JOURNAL ENTRY
nigerianprince
A QUICK HELLO MY FRIENDS!

I NEVER THOUGHT THE IRANIAN PRESIDENT MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD WOULD EVEN KNOW OF ME, HIM BEING A SHIITE AND ALL THAT. BUT TODAY I SAW A YOUTUBE VIDEO WHERE HE MENTIONS ME, NOT BY NAME, BUT BY EPITHET. TAKE A LOOK:

HAVE A RAINY SUMMER, MY FRIENDS.

YOURS,
WILLIAM JULIUS OGEDENGBE
NIGERIAN PRINCE


MY TENTH JOURNAL ENTRY
nigerianprince
HELLO ONCE AGAIN MY LOVELY FRIENDS!

AS YOU MAY OR MAY NOT KNOW, NIGERIA – THE LAND OF MY FATHERS – HAS THE WORLD’S SEVENTH LARGEST OIL DEPOSITS. IT IS THE BIGGEST OIL PRODUCER IN AFRICA. IF I SAY IT’S AN OIL COUNTRY, YOU WILL AGREE.

MOST NIGERIAN PEOPLES ARE SIMPLE AND UNCIVILIZED (*), AND ITS CURRENT CENTRAL GOVERNMENT CORRUPT AND NONDEMOCRATIC. THEREFORE, IT WOULD BE UNFAIR TO ASK THE NIGERIANS TO CONTROL ALL THIS OIL THEMSELVES. FORTUNATELY THE OIL COMPANY ROYAL DUTCH SHELL HAS PROVIDED NIGERIA WITH HELP, TAKING CARE OF ALL THE DIRTY OIL AND THE RESULTING OIL MONEY. AS THE MONEY ISN’T USED ON SCHOOLS, HOSPITALS OR DEMOCRATIZATION OF THE COUNTRY, OR EVEN IN REPAIRING THE ENVIRONMENTAL DAMAGES CAUSED BY THE DRILLING. THIS ALSO HELPS KEEP THE NIGERIAN PEOPLES SIMPLE AND UNCIVILIZED.

WERE I THE KING (OR PRESIDENT, IF I HAVE TO) OF NIGERIA, ALL THIS WOULD CHANGE, BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT HERE.

MUCH OF THE OIL IS DRILLED IN OGONILAND, NAMED FOR THE THRICE-CURSED OGONI PEOPLE. THE OGONI, AS YOU PROBABLY KNOW, ARE BITTER ENEMIES OF THE EDO (BENIN) PEOPLE. AND ANY ENEMY OF THE EDO (BENIN) PEOPLE IS ALSO AN ENEMY OF THE OGEDENGBES. IN FACT, MOST ANTHROPOLOGISTS AGREE THAT ANYONE EAST OF THE NIGER RIVER IS A DORK, WHILE ANYONE WEST OF THE NIGER IS PRETTY COOL.

THE GREEDY OGONI WANTED THEIR PART OF THE OIL MONEY (PROBABLY FOR DRUGS), AND STARTED MASSIVE UPRISINGS LED BY THE OGONI AUTHOR KEN SARO-WIWA. ALL HIS BOOKS ARE CRAP, DON’T READ THEM. OBVIOUSLY, SHELL HAD THE CORRUPT NIGERIAN GOVERNMENT EXECUTE KEN SARO-WIWA.

THIS CREATED LOTS OF PUBLICITY FOR KEN SARO-WIWA, SHELL, NIGERIA AND THE OGONI PEOPLE. THE OGONI HAVE SHAMELESSLY EXPLOITED THIS. ONE EXAMPLE: THE WIKIPEDIA ENTRY FOR THE OGONI IS THREE PAGES LONG, WHILE THE ENTRY FOR EDO (BENIN) IS ONLY HALF A PAGE. SIMILARLY, THE FREE PUBLICITY FOR SHELL HAS BEEN ENORMOUS.

SO WHAT, YOU MAY ASK. WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE EDO (BENIN)? IF KEN SARO-WIWA WAS KILLED BY SHELL, ISN’T IT ONLY RIGHT THAT THE PUBLICITY GO TO SHELL AND THE OGONI? LET ME EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU, MY FRIEND.

MY UNCLE, GENERAL SOLOMON OGEDENGBE, HAD ALREADY GIVEN THE ORDER TO HIS MEN TO ASSASSINATE KEN SARO-WIWA. SHELL AND THE CORRUPT NIGERIAN GOVERNMENT UNLAWFULLY STOLE MY UNCLE’S IDEA, AND HAVE EARNED MILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN PUBLICITY FOR THIS. IT IS POSSIBLE THAT THE NIGERIAN GOVERNMENT WOULD BE IN THE HANDS OF IT’S RIGHTFUL HOLDERS, THE OGEDENGBE FAMILY OF THE EDO (BENIN) PEOPLE.

THIS WOUND HAD ALMOST HEALED, BUT NOW KEN WIWA JR AND OWENS WIWA OF THE HATED OGONI PEOPLE HAVE TORN IT OPEN AGAIN. YOU SEE, THEY HAVE SUED SHELL AND FORMER CEO BRIAN ANDERSON FOR ENGOURAGING THE MURDER OF KEN SARO-WIWA. SHELL BLAMES THE CORRUPT NIGERIAN GOVERNMENT THEN IN POWER.

I DEMAND 50% OF ANY MONEY OR OTHER COMPENSATION THE OGONI OR KEN WIWA JR OR OWENS WIWA RECEIVES AS A RESULT OF THIS TRIAL. OTHERWISE, MY COUSIN, COLONEL ALEXANDER OGEDENGBE, WILL BE FORCED TO TAKE ACTION AGAINST MR. KEN WIWA JR, AND FORCE SHELL OIL COMPANY OUT OF NIGERIA.

I EXPECT TO HEAR FROM THE INTERNATIONAL PRESS, AND THE LAWYERS IN QUESTION.

OTHERWISE, I WISH YOU A RICH AND BEAUTIFUL SUMMER.

WILLIAM JULIUS OGEDENGBE
NIGERIAN PRINCE

*) THE EDO (BENIN) PEOPLE BEING THE OBVIOUS EXCEPTION.

MY NINTH JOURNAL ENTRY
nigerianprince
HELLO MY FRIENDS,

I WRITE TO YOU IN A FURIOUS STATE OF MIND.

AS YOU KNOW, I HAVE NOTHING BUT THE PUREST INTENTIONS IN MIND WHEN I KEEP UP THIS BLOG AND OTHER FORMS OF ONLINE CORRESPONDENCE. I AM WHAT YOU MIGHT CALL A ROBBER WITH A HEART OF GOLD -- A ROBIN HOOD, IF YOU WILL.

IN ANY CASE, IT IS UNANIMOUSLY AGREED THAT I, BILL OGEDENGBE, AM ONE OF THE GOOD GUYS. I MIGHT DO SOME WHEELING AND DEALING, BUT I DON’T DO IT OUT OF GREED, I ONLY DO IT TO SUPPORT MY LIFESTYLE, WHICH UNFORTUNATELY IS VERY EXPENSIVE. SO I’M A VICTIM OF CIRCUMSTANCE, AND NOTHING MORE.

IF THERE WAS ONE NATION IN THE WORLD THAT SHOULD PRODUCE THE GREAT CYBER CRIME DRAMAS OF OUR ERA, IT WOULD BE NIGERIA. BUT NO, NOLLYWOOD (THE NIGERIAN HOLLYWOOD) DOESN’T HAVE THE MEANS. INSTEAD OUR NOBLE HERITAGE OF CYBER CRIME IS STOLEN BY A BUNCH OF GEEKY EUROPEANS WHO WANT TO TURN IT INTO CHEAP THRILLS.

Energia, the creators of Star Wreck and Iron Sky, today publicly launched their latest project, a new web video series about cyber crime.
Crime on the internet is a growing problem and spam, botnets, viruses, worms, and Nigerian letters are affecting millions of people online every day. “I have been long fascinated by the scams like the Nigerian letters offering tens of millions in return for doing next to nothing. What kind of people hide behind these?

FOR CENTURIES, EUROPEANS HAVE ABUSED MY PEOPLE. FIRST THEY TOOK ADVANTAGE OF AFRICANS DURING COLONIAL TIMES, THEN THEY BROUGHT US TO AMERICA TO ENSLAVE US, NOW IT SEEMS THEY ARE BACK TO EXPLOITING AFRICANS AGAIN.



GREAT WORK, ENERGIA PRODUCTIONS! I WONDER HOW MUCH OF THE MILLIONS OF EUROS YOU MAKE WILL GO TO THE NIGERIANS WHO HELPED CREATE CYBER CRIME IN THE FIRST PLACE! I BET NOT A PENNY.

ON BEHALF OF THE EDO (BENIN) PEOPLE OF NIGERIA, THE TRUE INVENTORS OF THE NIGERIAN SCAM, I AS THEIR FUTURE KING, DEMAND US$ 10 MILLION IN ADVANCE FROM ENERGIA PRODUCTIONS FOR THIS CONCEPT THAT YOU ATTEMPT TO EXPLOIT. OTHERWISE MY LAWYERS WILL TAKE THIS MATTER IN THEIR HANDS.

APART FROM THAT, I WISH YOUR HEART MANY HEALTHY BEATS IN YEARS TO COME.

WILLIAM JULIUS OGEDENGBE
NIGERIAN PRINCE

MY EIGHTH JOURNAL ENTRY
nigerianprince

WARM GREETINGS TO YOU MY FRIENDS,

AS YOU KNOW, THE NET IS FULL OF FAKES WHO CLAIM TO BE RELATED TO AFRICAN HEADS OF STATE, AND TRY TO SCAM YOU FOR MONEY. HOWEVER, THE SHEER RANGE OF THOSE NO-GOOD CON ARTISTS SOMETIMES TAKES EVEN ME BY SURPRISE.

HERE’S TWO LINKS TO MR. ROBERT DUTU, A NIGERIAN MAN WITH A VERY IMPORTANT BUSINESS PROPOSAL FOR YOU:

FIRST THERE WAS THIS SURPRISING HONESTY:



THEN THE STORY CONTINUES HERE: Phishing Scammer tries it on with CEO of an Anti-phishing software product “Online Armor”

MR. DUTU, IF YOU’RE READING THIS, PLEASE CONTACT ME! WHEN I’M KING OF THE EDO, I WILL MAKE YOU MY SECRETARY OF COMMERCE. FIRST, I JUST NEED YOU TO SEND ME A COPY OF YOUR PASSPORT OR OTHER ID, AND YOUR BANKING INFORMATION.


SINCERELY,
WILLIAM JULIUS OGEDENGBE
NIGERIAN PRINCE

MY SEVENTH JOURNAL ENTRY
nigerianprince
I WAS A LITTLE DEPRESSED AFTER HEARING ABOUT MY FATHER. I TRIED CONFIRMING THIS BY ACTUALLY CALLING NIGERIA, BUT NO LUCK.

SO, I WENT OUT CLUBBING WITH ONE GOAL: TO GET DRUNK AND TO GET LAID. I KNOW THAT TECHNICALLY THAT’S TWO GOALS, BUT I WANTED TO COMBINE THEM IN AS SOPHISTICATED WAY AS POSSIBLE: THAT IS, TO GET LAID WHILE DRUNK.

I GRABBED MY FRIEND RODNEY, AND OUT WE WENT. JAKE IS NOT A NIGERIAN PRINCE BUT SOMETIMES TELLS WHITE GIRLS HE IS, JUST TO GET LAID. WHY DOESN’T HE JUST TELL THEM HE’S A FAMOUS RAPPER OR STAND-UP COMEDIAN? THEY WOULDN’T KNOW!

I TOLD THE BARTENDER (WHOM I KNOW) THAT I WOULD GIVE HIM THREE THOUSAND BUCKS NEXT MONTH, WHEN I’M KING, IF HE’D GIVE ME FREE DRINKS ALL NIGHT.
”NO GO, BILL,” HE SAID, ”YOU TRY SHIT LIKE THAT EVERY TIME YOU COME HERE, AND I’VE NEVER FALLEN FOR IT. WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I’D FALL FOR IT NOW?”
I TOLD HIM ABOUT THE LETTER, BUT HE JUST SAID, ”YOU EVER HEARD OF THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF?”
I SAID, ”DID YOU JUST CALL ME BOY?”
”NICE TRY. IF YOU WANT SOMETHING, YOU’RE GONNA PAY FOR IT”, HE SAID.
SO I DID – ALTHOUGH A NIGERIAN PRINCE, FUTURE KING, SHOULDN’T HAVE TO PAY FOR ANYTHING. I’M SURE YOU AGREE.

RODNEY AND I PROCEEDED TO GET DRUNK. I WAS DANCING WITH THIS FINE PIECE OF ASS, AND INTRODUCED MYSELF TO HER.
”YOUR FRIEND JUST HAD THE EXACT SAME OPENING LINE”, SHE TOLD ME, BRUSHING HER HAND THROUGH HER SHORT GINGER HAIR. ”WHY DON’T YOU TAKE ANOTHER SHOT AT A GREAT FIRST IMPRESSION?”
”LOOK, THE THING IS, MY FATHER HAS JUST DIED, AND I’M ABOUT TO INHERIT A LOT OF MONEY, AND A GREAT POSITION IN HIS HOME COUNTRY. I’D LOVE TO BUY YOU A DRINK, BUT IT TAKES SOME TIME FOR ME GET TO THE CASH. BUT WHY DON’T YOU BUY A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE FOR BOTH OF US, AND I’LL PAY YOU DOUBLE LATER?”
”WOW, I LIKED THE PRINCE THING MUCH BETTER.”
”SEE, I HAVE THIS TWO-PART PLAN, AND PART ONE REQUIRES YOU AND ME GETTING DRUNK. AND I CAN’T PAY FOR THE DRINKS, SO YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO HELP ME?”
”WHAT’S PART TWO?” SHE SMILED.
”I’LL SHOW YOU LATER,” I SAID AND WINKED. SHE GOT US TWO BEERS.

”PUT A RUBBER ON,” SHE SAID LATER, JUST AS I WAS ABOUT TO REACH PART TWO. WE WERE AT HER PLACE.
”I’LL TELL YOU WHAT I’LL DO,” I SAID. ”IF YOU GET PREGNANT, OUR BABY WILL BE A PRINCE OR PRINCESS AND INHERIT A LOT OF MONEY. SO DON’T WORRY.”
”I’M ON THE PILL, YOU IDIOT, AND I DON’T WANT TO INHERIT ANY STD’S. JUST DO IT OR GET THE FUCK OUT!”

WHILE I MANAGED TO FULFILL MY COMPLICATED AND MOST SOPHISTICATED PLAN, I START GETTING THE FEELING THAT MY SHTICK IS GETTING A BIT OLD. PEOPLE USED TO FALL FOR IT ALL THE TIME. I THINK.

MAYBE THEY DIDN’T.

WILLIAM JULIUS OGEDENGBE
NIGERIAN PRINCE

MY SIXTH BLOG ENTRY
nigerianprince
HELLO, JIM. HOW ARE YOU?

THIS IS PRETTY STRANGE. I JUST GOT AN E-MAIL FROM NIGERIA. I KNOW I HAVE RELATIVES THERE BUT I’VE NEVER MET THEM AND KEEP NO CONTACT WITH THEM, SO I’M KIND OF SURPRISED.

From: MR ADEBOYE OKIGBO
Subject: BUSINNESS PROPOSAL
   
I MR.ADEBOYE OKIGBO, A SENIOR MEMBER OF ITS ROYAL FUNERAL COMMITTEE BOARD AND A KEY MEMBER OF THE FEDERAL EDO CONTACT COMMITTEE OF NIGERIA. I REGRETFULLY MUST INFORM YOU THAT KING ODAYON JULIUS OGEDENGBE, YOUR FATHER, IS DEAD.

THE FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS ARE BEING UNDERTAKEN BY THE ROYAL FUNERAL COMMITTEE BOARD, AND WILL COMMENCE IN SOME WEEKS. FUNERALS THEMSELFS WILL TAKE 40 DAYS, AS IS THE CUSTOM OF THE EDO PEOPLE.

AS YOUR FATHER’S OLDEST SON, THE BURDEN OF KINGSHIP FALLS IN YOUR HANDS, AND WE CONGRATULATE YOU IN THIS SAD TIME AS THE NEXT EDO KING. IN VIEW OF THIS, WE HAVE STARTED ARRANGEMENTS FOR YOUR CROWNING.

UNFORTUNATELY, THE PRESENT ELECTED DEMOCRATIC GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA IS NOT PROPERLY FUNDING THE ROYAL FUNERAL COMMITTEE BOARD, AND WE LACK THE MONEYS TO PROPERLY BURY YOUR FATHER IN THE MANNER BEFITTING HIS STATUS (KING). IT IS CUSTOMARY FOR THE FUTURE KING TO PAY FOR THE BURYING RITES OF HIS PREDECESSOR AND THEREFORE I ASK YOU TO HELP US TO THIS END.

AS A KING, YOU WOULD BE ENTITLED TO THE EDO ROYAL FUND, WHICH CONTAINS SOME US$ 85.5 MILLION. THE MONEY CAN NOT BE USED FOR THE FUNERAL, AS ONLY A KING CAN ACCESS IT, AND YOUR FATHER DID NOT SET UP ANY MONEYS FOR HIS FUNERAL, AND YOU ARE NOT A KING UNTIL THE FUNERAL IS COMPLETE. FURTHERMORE, WE THAT ARE WORKING CIVIL SERVANT, WE ARE NOT ALLOWED TO OPERATE FOREIGN ACCOUNT’ HENCE I CONTACTED TODAY.

I WANT YOU TO SUMMIT IMMEDIATELY YOUR COMPLETE COMPANY NAME AND ADDRESS IF YOU HAVE ONE, YOUR NAME AS PRESIDENT OR MANAGING DIRECTOR / C.E.O OF THE COMPANY, YOUR BANKING PARTICULARS: - (BANK NAME & ADDRESS, TELEPHONE AND FAX. YOUR RECEIVING ACCOUNT NUMBERS, SWIFT AND ROUTING NUMBERS). WITH THIS INFORMATINON, I CAN GET YOUR PROPERLY REGISTERED AS THE SOLE INHERITOR OF KING ODAYON JULIUS OGEDENGBE AND ENTITLED TO THE SUM OF US$ 85.5 MILLION.

AFTER RECEIVING THE ABOVE NEEDED AND STATED INFORMATION FROM YOU, I WILL PROCESS ALL THE DOCUMENTATION IN YOUR NAME THROUGH AN ATTORNEY, AND SUMMIT THEM FOR IMMEDIATE APPROVALS, AND THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT WILL MAKE SURE YOU ARE DESIGNATED THE RIGHTFUL HEIR OF THE EDO THRONE.

BE REST ASSURED THAT NO RISK IS INVOLVED OR ANY SCANDAL IN THE FUTURE, FOR WE HAVE DONE ALL OUR HOME WORK VERY WELL, NOBODY WILL BE HUNT OR HURT DURING AND AFTER THIS TRANSACTION. YOUR FATHER’S MURDER IS BEING INVESTIGATED TO THE FULLEST EXTENCT.

I AWAIT YOUR IMMEDIATE RESPONSE TO THIS REQUEST, AND LOOK FORWARD TO ESTABLISHING A LIFE LONG RELATIONSHIP OF SERVITUDE UNDER YOU. ONCE AGAIN, I AM VERY SORRY FOR THE DEATH OF YOUR FATHER.

BEST REGARDS,
MR. ADEBOYE OKIGBO

I DON’T REALLY KNOW WHAT TO THINK. THIS IS FAKE AS HELL, BUT IS IT TRUE MY FATHER IS DEAD? I TRIED GOOGLING, BUT THE EDO ROYAL FAMILY DOESN’T REALLY HAVE A WEBSITE. (COME TO THINK OF IT, THIS LJ IS THEIR ONLY ACCESS TO THE INTERNET.)

WILLIAM JULIUS OGEDENGBE
NIGERIAN PRINCE

MY FIFTH JOURNAL ENTRY
nigerianprince
HELLO MY FRIENDS.

NOW, I CONSIDER MYSELF AS SOMETHING OF AN EXPERT ON MONEY-MAKING SCAMS. I LIKE TO PROMISE PEOPLE GREAT BUSINESS DEALS IF THEY PAY ME LOTS OF CASH IN ADVANCE, AND THEN DISAPPEAR WITH THE MONEY. THAT'S THE WAY I OPERATE.

SO IF I SAY I'M A CON MAN, YOU WILL AGREE.

ALL OF A SUDDEN IT APPEARS I'M NOTHING BUT A SMALL-THINKING AMATEUR. THE PILOT WHO LANDED THE PLANE ON THE HUDSON RIVER A WHILE AGO, HAS ALSO LANDED HIMSELF A BOOK DEAL. FOR THREE MILLION DOLLARS!

LET ME SAY THAT AGAIN: THAT MAN WHO IS NOT A FAMOUS AUTHOR BUT A PILOT IS GOING TO GET THREE MILLION DOLLARS FOR WRITING TWO BOOKS. ONE IS, OF ALL THINGS, A BOOK OF POETRY! THE OTHER ONE IS A BIT MORE RUN OF THE MILL:

According to one editor who met with the pilot, the proposed book would revolve around the idea that “his whole life experience led up to this moment [of the landing],” and would include lessons on facing life’s challenges.
“It would be mainly a narrative of his life and the key moments that prepared him,” the editor said, adding that Mr. Sullenberger came across in the meeting as “the real thing. There’s a lot more substance to him than most people getting their 15 minutes of fame.”

WHAT'S THAT? THREE MILLION BIG BOYS FOR HIM (OR SOMEBODY ELSE) TO WRITE A COUPLE OF DOZEN PAGES ABOUT HIS LIFE, AND THE LESSONS HE'S LEARNED. HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE, YOU ASK! MY GUESS IS THAT HIS AGENT JAN MILLER IS THE SLY FOX OF A MAN WHO IS BEHIND THIS. MR MILLER, I HAVE MET MY BETTER.

BUT WAIT, MR MILLER! THERE'S MORE! YOU SEE, I HAVE AN INTERESTING LIFE, AS WELL. I COULD WRITE A BOOK ABOUT HOW MY WHOLE LIFE EXPERIENCE AS A NIGERIAN PRINCE LED UP TO THIS MOMENT OF ME HAVING A BLOG, AND I WOULD GIVE LESSONS ON FACING LIFE'S CHALLENGES.

I'M THE FIRST TO ADMIT THAT THERE IS PROBABLY LESS SUBSTANCE TO ME THAN MOST 15-MINUTE CELEBRITIES, AND THE POSSIBLE MARKET IS SMALLER (AFRO-AMERICAN ROYALTY VS. ALL NEW YORKERS), BUT I'M SURE IF ANYONE CAN PULL IT OFF, IT'S YOU!

WHAT DO YOU SAY, MR MILLER? IF YOU AGREE, I ONLY ASK YOU TO SEND ME THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS SO I CAN BUY MYSELF A PRINTER, AND CAN GET MY BRILLIANT STORY ON PAPER. IF YOU DO THIS, YOU WOULD GET AN AGENT FEE OF TEN PERCENT OF THE $3,000,000 (THAT MEANS $300,000 FOR YOU).

RESPECTFULLY YOURS,

WILLIAM JULIUS OGEDENGBE
NIGERIAN PRINCE

(LINK VIA PINK IS THE NEW BLOG AND JOSSIP)

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